how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
