Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
