she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
