I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
