I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
