Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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