K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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