i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
