so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
