I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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