fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
