I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
