Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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