Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
