dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
