Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Two words: blizzard sex
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
