Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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