the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
