I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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