I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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