he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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