i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
