So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
