there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
