my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
