Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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