At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
