I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
