my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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