I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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