why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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