haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
