i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
