I wish I could teleport
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
