Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
