It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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