Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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