this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
