dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Randomize
