Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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