I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
