Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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