Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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