but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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