I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
