just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
