I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
