did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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