Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
