cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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