Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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